How To Hijack A Plane (Not Serious, Don’t Send The SWAT Team)

With my trip to America nearing (more on that later), I decided to dig up this old coursework piece I did a few years ago. I’m not entirely sure why I decided upon this topic to write a piece that would be analysed and marked but I suppose I was younger and more foolish back then. Anyway it seemed somewhat appropriate considering my impending trip so I thought I’d upload it here.

I probably should explain that I was incredibly cynical and sarcastic in my late teens. I haven’t changed much since but I’m probably more subtle about it now in comparison to when I was 17. I was a very angry young man…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

In light of recent terrorist activity, security on planes (or at least those planes still flying) has increased tenfold as the British government attempt to eliminate any potential threat of the tragic happenings in America occurring again. To do this, drastic (to the point of insignificant) measures have been taken to prevent this risk. Of course, some of the warnings are relevant, especially those regarding unattended packages etc, but what many of the public (including ourselves) are asking is ‘what is the point of banning a pair of tweezers, small sewing kits and litre bottles of water from a plane?’ You may believe that there is nothing those seemingly harmless items can do. Jabbing at someone with the tweezers maybe…hardly life threatening though is it? What they certainly can’t do is help someone hijack a plane you say to yourself. But that is wrong!

Through hours of painstaking research, endless takeaways and restricted time on the Xbox, our researchers have finally come up with an answer. That’s right; in this guide we tell you exactly how You can hijack a plane on your own! Of course, you need the right equipment, which as follows:

1)      A pair of tweezers

2)      A small sewing kit

3)      A litre bottle of water (preferably Evian but if you’re known as a cheap skate, Asda’s ‘finest’ will do)

The first key step you need to do is buy tickets to a destination, pack your bags, head to the airport (the usual rigmarole of a trip abroad blah blah).

Once you have boarded the plane, you have to put part 1 of the plan into action (there is three parts, we like to keep it simple) and find a queasy faced passenger who appears to be about to decorate the seat interior (Don’t worry, there are plenty of these). Punch them hard in the stomach, catching the regurgitated aeroplane meal in a handy bag.

After you have done this, pour your Asda’s finest water along the passage next to the toilet. Then get your bag of goodies and leave the contents somewhere in the toilet. Part one complete.

Part two requires some cunning. Fool one of the stewards into going to clean up your lovely waste. Their eyes are so focused on the task in hand (cleaning up the sick); they will slip on the water and go head first into the bathroom, knocking themselves out. Repeat this process until all the staff is out cold. Steal the clothes from one suitably sized employee and lock the doors from the outside using a coin or key. This won’t stop them leaving, but they are knocked out, so who cares? But it will stop the passengers from entering. They will presume its just some newcomers to the ‘mile high club’. Part two complete.

Now that you’re dressed as a steward (or stewardess; lets not be sexist) you can head to the front of plane. Ignore all calls for your attention, you may look the part but don’t pretend to act it. Once you’ve reached the front, open the cockpit door. Here comes the tricky part. On the diagram there is a red dot. This is a weak point on the human body, which, with the help of a pair of tweezers, can neutralize the person for 30 minutes. Jab the pilots in this designated point, rendering them useless. Using the sewing needles and string, tie the pilots together and trap the threaded needles into the metal grating. When they do wake up, they will be powerless. Part three complete.

The plane is now yours.

Well, it would be if they hadn’t banned those three items. But at least you have the knowledge that if it wasn’t for that fact, you would have your own plane. And we believe it’s the thought that counts.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It’s probably a bit outdated now (those objects had just been banned at the time) and if it does offend anybody, I do apologise. And, with hindsight, those items were right to be banned. But like I said, I was angry at everything.

Furthermore it’s probably not wise to consider such thoughts when I’m flying in less than two weeks… It’s like how the recent Channel 4 series documenting the worst ever plane crashes comes onto television just as I’m planning my trip. Thanks for that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the piece. Saved me thinking of something new to write. That’s always a plus.

P.S I ended up having to retract HTHAP from my coursework. It was deemed too un-politically correct to be submitted. Just in case you were curious about it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s