I Don’t Know Which Is Harder…

Getting into shape or getting Vanna interested in football.

They’re both pretty difficult to work with. My body scoffs and picks up a sandwich whenever I try to do something physical while getting Vanna into football means I’m going against nineteen years of being an American.

It’s not in their (or your, depending on if you’re American or not)) blood to like something beyond shoot it, hit it hard with a bat or pick it up and throw it. Actually kicking a ball, using only your feet, seems to go against what you believe in (warning, rife generalizations in these paragraphs). At least in Minnesota anyway.

But don’t worry; there is still hope for Americans playing the proper version of football. You’re getting there, slowly. USA even beat some of the top international teams in the last few years. That’s more than England can do at the moment and we invented the sport.

My focus has been on making Vanna a Chelsea fan. I’ve sent her Chelsea shirts, I’ve made her watch a few games with me and I’ve listed all the players and told her the latest news. She’s starting to get interested…sort of. Her favorite players are the most handsome players. But hey, at least she has favorites, right?

Watching us get beat by the ‘MLS All Stars’ yesterday hasn’t helped my case much either. Before you get your hopes up about how an American combined team beat the European Champions, I would like to point out the American team was halfway through the season and thus fully fit, whereas our guys are just in their preseason. Despite this, we were dominant throughout and should have won. Unfortunately we had two things going against us. These guys.

Ross Turnball and Henrique Hilario. They are our back up goalkeepers and I don’t think I’d be joking to say I could do better in goal. Because I genuinely believe I could. They are awful. If our main goalkeeper, Petr Cech, gets injured, we’re screwed. I know we will concede without him because his replacements are chumps.

In a way, their names are quite fitting. Ross will usually turn the ball into the back of his net while Henrique’s goalkeeping skills are indeed hilario(us). There is a poetic irony about it really. So if either of said players are reading this, please do Chelsea a favor and finish your contracts. You were to blame for the loss on Wednesday (we watched it Thursday morning) and even though it was a friendly, it cemented my belief on how appalling you both are. So please, leave. Thank you.

Now you may think this is a little harsh. It isn’t. Friendlies, or exhibition matches, mean nothing but I’ve waited all week to watch it with Vanna. I want to see us play relatively well and win. I don’t want to see two numpties watch gormlessly as the ball whizzes past them.

Anyway, moving onto the whole fitness thing we’re trying out.

Oh I’m in so much pain. It’s agonizing. I was cramped up most of yesterday and any type of movement was completely off the table. It’s embarrassing how bad it is. We’ve only done one bloody session! I’ve cycled 18 miles and suffered less than this. Perhaps it was because I didn’t do the cool down. Yeah, that’s what it is.

But don’t give up hope on us (or at least me) just yet. Despite our pain, we did another session yesterday. And we’ll probably do another today.

From what I can see, this will go one of two ways. Either it’ll be a success and I’ll end up a lot trimmer than before. Or I’ll have to give up because my legs have stopped working.

Hmm. They never say that on the back of the DVD do they?


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