By now the London 2012 Olympic Ceremony is over. We’ve still got another month of the actual games to go but who cares about that? The most important part is over. Because we saw such a fantastic opening spectacle for the Beijing 2008 Olympics it’s hard not to feel a little apprehensive about how we’ll represent ourselves in this years games.
I might not care much for the Olympics (I’ll be surprised if I watch any of it) but it’s still my country and I don’t want us to look bad. I want people to see that just because we don’t have complete oppression over the people (ie Beijing) doesn’t mean we can’t host a great ceremony. We won’t have hundreds of people drumming in synch but there will be buses and maybe some fireworks…we can do it…can’t we?
Obviously you all know the answer. Unfortunately, because I don’t have internet at the house and the library is closed, I won’t know until Monday. I wrote this article on Friday so I have no idea how it’s gone down. Did we do well, did we fail or did nobody pay attention? Who knows? Certainly not me.
To make up for this fact, I’m now going to write two different accounts of the opening ceremony to cover each potential ending. All you have to do is read the one that complies with your personal opinion. So if you think it was amazing, read the one titled “Good”, but if you thought it was absolutely awful then read the entry under “Bad”. You’re all intelligent people so I’m sure you can work it out.
Right then. Here we go.
Oh wasn’t that amazing? Oh wow. I can’t believe we pulled it off. Wasn’t it superb? Blew those Beijing Olympics right out the water with that one, didn’t it? There was fireworks, london taxis…Boris Johnson. Everything went perfectly. I had my doubts, what with Mitt Romney calling us out and then all the security issues but we did not disappoint.
I don’t even know what my favourite bit was. Maybe the jets (or something else that flew). How they soared…oh that was fantastic! I’m actually drawn into the Olympics after seeing that. I might actually watch the events! Nothing too drastic mind, maybe just the sprints or perhaps the cycling. Something that is over pretty quickly. I have other things to do.
But still…woah. I bet you weren’t expecting that. England can party with the rest of you, how about it? Who’d have thought it? That was awesome!
Oh that was terrible. I couldn’t look for most of it. I thought we’d be bad…but that was something else. Seriously, who even thought we could do this whatsoever. England can’t party. We can’t compete with a load of Chinese people in perfect organisation. We should have just fired off some fireworks, gave everybody a pie and let Brian Blessed shout ‘Let the games begin’ and have it over with. At least then it’d be short. But no, we had to suffer through three hours of failure. I don’t know what was the worst thing about it. Boris Johnson tripping the Queen, the double-decker bus getting a puncture or the whole of the cheerleading troop puking mid routine because of the bad lasagna they’d ate.
I’m just embarrassed. I really am. We’re going to be the laughing-stock of the world for the next however many years. We’ll never live it down. My children and my children’s children will be mocked whenever they leave the country. They’ll spent all their holidays hiding in a caravan in a miserable part of Scotland. Oh the horror.
You know what, we should have just given it to France. At least then there’d be lots of wine to drink and we could criticize everything and nobody would care. How great that would have been.