Induction day was today. Because I had nothing better to do with my time, I annotated the programme sheet with my thoughts and ideas. This was what I was up to during those long long long long hours. Did I mention it was long?
We signed in. My name wasn’t on the sheet. Typical.
Are we done yet? Oh no. Only five minutes in and I’m already dreading the day. Not because it’ll be challenging or anything. No, it’s just going to be hours and hours of tedium. I’m already uncomfortable and sleepy…I can’t see things getting better.
08:35-09:00 Introduction to Organisation
Hold on, things might not be too bad. We have keypads! It’s like being in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, if Who Wants To Be A Millionaire replaced the prospect of money with the long, slow death of your hopes, desires and dreams.
Things are made worse by having each question a game of guessing which random number is correct. Somehow I manage to get every single one wrong. I take back what I said about keypads. Keypads suck.
Lesson learned from this show: Money first, patients second! Several times he highlighted the financial side, instead of, you know, the ill people. Infection control, for example, was important not because people could become seriously sick, but because they’d be fined if an infection broke out.
Wow. And I’m already zoning out.
09:00-09:45 Health, Safety and Risk Management
Oh wait, now I’m zoning out. Health and Safety…this is so fun!
…tried counting ceiling tiles. Gave up after 154. This task was too momentous for my uncaring mind.
Yawned four times in the space of ten minutes.
Do jobs safely? Okay. I understand. Why is there another forty minutes to go? You’ve made your point. Please go!
…yawned five times.
Did you know that people actually drink alcoholic gel? Hmm. At this point I’m willing to give it a go.
09:45-9:55 Signing IT Account Forms
Can’t stop zoning out. But we didn’t need to do it so we got out to break early!
9:55-10:25 Function Rooms – Stalls – Coffee
No food, no juice. Well this is lame.
10:25-11:25 Safeguarding Children and Adults
One hour? One hour! Oh dear. I don’t apply! Why am I here? Oh for…and this is going to be heavy. Awesome.
Told that we can go to the bathroom or for a drink…but we have to come back. Damn.
Ooh multiple choice again. Might get one right this time.
Why is nothing made for tall people? Seriously…I’m not a giant. Yet why can I not fit into anything. I could probably make this blog completely about the problems of being a tall person and have something different to write about every day. We have it tough, us tall people.
Will the person behind me please stop kicking me in the back? It’s bad enough that these dumb seats are naturally down instead of up, meaning they’ll keep falling down when you are trying to go past them, I don’t need some tosspot flinging his feet into the small gap between the different sections.
Cramped up. Can’t move. Urgh.
Don’t get me wrong, the safeguarding team is a good thing. It is important that somebody is there to look after people who are vulnerable. But do we need to be told this for sixty minutes? Just give us your card and leave it at that. If I saw something that concerned me, I’d do something about it. You don’t have to tell me over and over, using videos and depressing examples to prove your point. It’s unnecessary. I already understand.
But then again, I think everything is unnecessary here so I probably shouldn’t blame this one woman for my discomfort. It could be worse…
11:30-12:00 IT Governance
Fell asleep. No idea what happened. Woops.
12:00-12:15 Emergency Procedures/Resuscitation
Only 15 minutes this one. And this doesn’t make me hate life! Taken all morning but we’re finally there.
Hold on a minute. Just checked out the rest of the schedule.
Finish at 5? Will miss my bus? Will get home late?
Fuuuuuuuuuuu…dge. Fudge fudge fudgedy fudge fudge.
13:00-15:15 Online E-Learning
Actually doing something now. I might not fall asleep. Can’t be too bad can it?
Yes. Yes it can.
This is the most mind numbing experience of the day. Mandatory training? What a load of rubbish.
Essentially it is common sense that has been hidden in a huge volume of overcomplicated and unnecessary text. Pages and pages and pages of obvious or irrelevant statements in one saturated mess of a presentation. It’s so bad. If the tedium doesn’t get you, the horrendous puns or the ominous headphones you have to use (they look like stethoscopes…) will.
Then, to make this worse (bear in mind there are about 7 different presentations to work through) we’re given a load of multiple choice questions that don’t always make sense, go against the statements in the question and test you on the stuff that doesn’t really matter.
Oh and even if you do get the question right there is a good chance you’ll be wrong, because despite not stating how many answers you want, they will penalise you for not picking more than one option, resulting you becoming very confused as to whether you need to tick one box or two, or three.
It doesn’t help that I honestly care if I get it right or wrong. I couldn’t give a monkeys. I can’t remember all the information (no way that I could) that I was given, so I decided just to guess. I’ve already lost the will to live; will it really matter whether I get 60% or 80%? No, of course not. This proves nothing. Most people know this already. It’s pointless filling us up with useless knowledge. If these scenarios ever came up, I’m confident I’d do the right thing. I don’t need somebody to tell me to shout ‘fire’ when there is a fire, thank you very much. Strangely I’d learned that would be a useful thing to do without guidance. Amazing.
The highlight? Being told that there are three different types of wheel casters, and you should use them for different types of floors.
Yeah. That was also a question. This sums up the e-learning session quite accurately I feel.
Why isn’t this over yet? Why?!
15:30-17:00 Equality and Diversity
Well at least we’re in a different room. Change of scenery isn’t it?
…That is the best thing I’ve got to say. We were given another booklet to bin, I mean uh, read and talked about equality which, surprise surprise, consisted of more information that is just common sense. Really don’t get why we need to do this.
But we did have some fun with stereotypes. I noticed that mine were a lot harsher than the ones people suggested.
The Scottish? Dole abusers.
Car Salespeople? Tossers.
Of course this isn’t what I think, merely just the words my brain comes up when it thinks of associated stereotypes to these groups of people.
Glad I kept my mouth shut though. Reckon I’d get some funny looks.
Oh thank God. Let out early. I might just get my bus.
I do but it spends twenty minutes in traffic so I end up late anyway. Not impressed.
What did I think about Induction day?
It was all right actually.
Better than working I suppose.