My knowledge of current events is so amazingly good it is beyond the abilities of mere mortals like yourself to even figure it out. That is 100% factual. It is no boast. Don’t even attempt to scratch the surface of my intellect because your brain will no doubt explode as a result.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Your brain won’t explode if you try to understand my level. You’d probably suffer an aneurysm though so don’t risk it. Just accept that I’m not lying and I am in fact, fantastic at keeping up-to-date with the latest news. Please don’t question it. Please.
Anyway, it would be safe to say that nothing gets past me due to my ability to know everything that is happening in the world. Nothing whatsoever can escape my attention. I’m like Sauron (this will be funny in five minutes); I see everything.
And no, don’t test me by asking what your cat is doing right at this moment. I refuse to take part in such trivial games. It’s a waste of my time, your time and the cat’s time. Let’s just stop this to and fro-ing, shall we? Accept that I know everything and please, put the cat down. Mr Tibbs is clearly in distress and I’m tempted to report you. Final warning, okay?
So, where was I? Right, bearing my super knowledge in mind (but not too much: aneurysm), it hasn’t escaped my attention that there is a new film phenomenon out there at the moment called The Hobbit. You, with your ignorance of most things cultural, probably have no idea what I’m talking about. But don’t worry your silly little heads, I’ll explain. The Hobbit is a Peter Jackson film which is currently showing at all cinemas worthy of their name, and is based on a book with the same title by J.R.R Tolkien. He also created the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (I bet you’re all chuckling at that Sauron joke now aren’t you?), the sequel(s) to The Hobbit that Jackson also transformed into film around the turn of the century. There was three films (because it’s a trilogy) and they were very popular. You may have heard of them. You might have even watched them, or perhaps, if you were so inclined, read them! Either way, good on you. There are no prizes but hey, you give yourself a pat on the back.
Other than impressing you, what’s the point to this long-winded introduction?
Well, there wasn’t one, in all honesty. Essentially I went on my own little adventure today and thought I’d tie my walk to the shops in with the blockbuster film that everyone is talking about as a way of making it sound more interesting without having to put any real effort into my blog post. It was either this or write out my adventure in fantasy speak and that sounded too hard. I’d have to think of characters and set it out like a story…nah, too much effort. So I did this instead.
But despite this slow build up, I bet you are still intrigued by what happened to me today (hey, if the title didn’t put you off then talking about The Hobbit or insulting your intelligence probably didn’t either). After all, it must be something interesting otherwise I wouldn’t write about it on the blog* now would I? I’d keep quiet and instead post pictures of Splat or get Vanna to post pictures of her animals instead (I was sadly proven right with my statement on Tuesday wasn’t I? Puppy over presents, it seems). So what did happen?, I hear you ask. Well gather round, and I’ll tell you.
…you’ve gathered? Oh. All right then.
Any decent story involves some form of tragedy. And mine is no different. But while some hold out until the end, or surprise you with it in the middle, my personal tragedy is at the beginning. Even earlier, in fact, because it happened yesterday.
We…we lost the internet.
I know. I know. Dreadful isn’t it? I nearly gave up there and then. One minute I was happily cruising the world-wide web, minding my own business, then the next I was stuck on a screen telling me I’d used up the 5GB allowance. It wouldn’t let me buy more or anything. The only solution offered to me was wait until next month but by then it would be too late. You can’t even begin to understand my distress. It was a nightmare. What would I do in the many hours I have available? Read? Write? Tidy my room? Like I said, it was a nightmare.
But desperate times call for desperate measures, so today I braved the unknown (well not that unknown…I’ve been there before) and ventured out to the retail park across from our estate in the hope I could throw money at the problem. A difficult adventure to begin with (I have to like, walk at least a mile), things were made worse when I woke up, looked outside and saw that it was…raining. Suddenly the stakes were raised. Not only was it drizzling slightly, there were puddles already forming on the ground! But I couldn’t let that stop me.
So I grabbed my best gear and headed out into the wilderness of the housing estate. The cold breeze, along with the rain and those menacing puddles, made progress difficult. I had to stop at least twice to adjust my hat. But I continued onwards, crossing dangerous roads that could have had cars on but didn’t, until I reached the main road. The first part of the journey was complete but I had no time to celebrate. I had to keep moving. My eyes explored the path ahead, and my heart sank as I realized that my worst fears had come true.
The puddle had…it had covered the width of the path. I’d have to walk through it if I wanted to finish my journey. But turning back wasn’t an option, so I hitched up my pants and pushed onwards. The splashing was intense and at one point I could begin to feel the water between my toes. It was horrific but I ignored the pain, knowing it would be over soon.
And less than a minute later, it was. Then after another stretch of path (this time it was dry) I was finally at the PC Store. With a sigh of relief I took my hat off and stepped inside. There were plenty of salesmen about…no doubt I’ll be assisted in my quest for a new internet dongle.
Or not, because not one of them paid me any attention whatsoever. Eventually I walked over to one guy and he pointed in me the right direction…then walked away. Oh. Thanks for that.
So there I was, the end in sight but just out of reach. Was I destined to fail? To come so far, only to fall at the final hurdle with the prize so close to my outstretched hand?
No, I refused to give in. I went to the other computer store which was, rather conveniently, next door. And this time, a guy actually helped me out. Five minutes later and I’d bought internet! (this moment was the modern-day equivalent of man discovering fire). All I had to do was return home and my journey was complete!
And, as you have probably realized by the fact I’m blogging, I managed to get home without incident. The dongle works, and all is right again with the world.
Yes, I could have waited two hours and got a lift instead of walking in the rain. And yes, 24 hours without internet is hardly a big deal. But shut up.
*Ha, you credit me with too much integrity: I’d talk about flooring if I felt I could get away with it.