Now I Remember Why I Bought A New Laptop…

Hello everyone. Sorry about being so quiet recently. I had hoped to blog about my weekend trip to Yorkshire this week, but my attempts to write it have been constantly thwarted by the awful laptop that I have to use. I’d forgotten how bad it was, but it didn’t take long to remember why I upgraded; it’s just a terrible piece of equipment. Slow, clunky, broken…it’s a typical example of the Windows Vista operating system at work. Or not at work, as the case may be. It’s just awful.

 

What’s wrong with it? Well, mostly everything, with a few particular areas that it really fails in.

The sound, for one, rarely works. What’s great about that is how it doesn’t tell me it has stopped working, so I’m ready to listen to music or watch a video, only to discover that I can’t. I reboot the laptop, sound is back, open up Skype…sound is gone again. How fun is that?

Next are the error messages that pop up on a regular basis. No idea what most of them mean. This little guy is a permanent visitor to my desktop.

I press ‘close’, and five minutes later, it is back again. Hello!

The battery life is another fun one. I reckon it lasts about thirty seconds, tops (and this is the second battery I’ve had for it!). Several times I’ve accidentally knocked out the cord without realizing, and before I can plug it back in, it has died. Awesome.

I take out the cable, and this is what I get.

 

The internet is pretty awful too. I’ve got Firefox, Chrome and IE, and all three are broken on this laptop. Firefox is definitely the one that suffers most though. I turn it on and boom, plugin has stopped working.

The page hasn’t even loaded yet. I haven’t pressed anything!

Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, I have to be very careful lifting it because the screen has detached itself from the keyboard. And not in a cool windows tablet way (did I make this joke before? Eh, let’s assume I didn’t) either.

Yeah…

The only thing that I’ll give this laptop credit for is the fan, which runs quietly and coolly. If only my new laptop had a fan like that then I wouldn’t have to use this damn thing in the first place. The irony is not lost on me.

Monday?! Oh man…

Ugh. It’s starting to act up again, so I should probably give up and do something else. I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe then I’ll be able to discuss my weekend. Here’s hoping.

Alex

Goodbye Again!

In less than an hour,  I’ll be on the train to York to visit my friend Gary (plus a few others) in Harrogate. Unlike my other journey in November, I’ll only be on the train for a thankful two hours instead of six, so I didn’t have to get up super early this time. And if I’m quick I might even shorten that time by getting the early second train, which not so thankfully comes a minute after mine from Durham.  If not, I’ll have to wait thirty minutes for the next one, which is particularly annoying given that train takes ages (forty minutes!), stops everywhere and is always busy.

But, uh, except for my discontent at the train system, I am excited for the trip. It’s been a year since I last saw my Yorkshire buddies (and that was Alton, which wasn’t exactly…great), so this has been a long time coming. And I’ve planned it perfectly with the launch of the Xbox One, meaning I’ll get plenty of time trying out the new generation of Xbox this weekend. Looking forward to that. Gary has a nice selection of games too; Fifa 14, Call Of Duty Ghosts, Battlefield 4 and Forza 5. Not bad at all. And As I won’t be buying the console until I’m in America permanently, this signals my only chance to watch it for…well, potentially quite a while. I’ll make sure to do a little review when I get back, especially as I never managed to get round to blogging about it before…ahem.

Uh, what else? Well naturally there’ll be lots of drinking going on, perhaps a nice meal, joking around…you know, a typical lads weekend.

As a result, I won’t be blogging until Monday, but Vanna might step up in my absence. But I am bringing my camera, so if we do venture somewhere, I’ll make sure to take pictures of whatever it is I see. No guarantees (it is Xbox One launch weekend after all) but I’ll see what I can do. Failing pictures of interesting things, I’ll photograph Gary’s supposedly magnificent beard that he’s been growing over the past couple months. So you know…that’s something to look forward to. It’s probably more impressive than my attempt at ‘Movember’ (or no shave November, whatever it is called) anyway.

*I would have a picture here, but it turns out my webcam on this laptop is broken, and my camera is packed. Uh, I’ll get one later*

…Well, I should probably go. I’ll speak to you on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend!

Alex

Thirty Days!

To celebrate the fact that in 30 days Vanna will be in the UK with me, I thought I would list thirty reasons why I’m excited to see her. Not every reason, of course, but a selection of what I’m looking forward to when Vanna is here. What else can I say? It’s just a nice little way for me to get in the mood for Christmas.

So, in no particular order, I’ll list my reasons off with a small explanation (if necessary) as to why they’re included. Starting with…

1. Seeing Vanna again after five months apart. I don’t think I need to explain that one.
2. Crumpets! Vanna has never tried this delicacy…I’m determined to change that this Christmas.
3. Winter is the most romantic time of the year.  Christmas isn’t much fun when you’re on your own. Certainly a family time.
4. Going for walks. I’m one of those people who likes walking, but not on my own. I end up striding around because I feel I need to have a purpose. With Vanna, I can just amble around, stretch the legs and enjoy the cold (but not freezing) winter air.
5. TV becomes fun. I’m not a big television person, but Vanna really likes our shows. I can happily watch something like Come Dine With Me for hours when I’m with her. It’s just one of our things.
6. Snuggling. Who doesn’t like snuggling?
7. Buying Vanna an engagement/wedding ring. It’s been a long time coming, but hopefully we’ll find the perfect ring this Christmas. She’s gone without one for far too long.
8. Vanna meeting my family. Especially around Christmas, it’ll be a nice time.
9. Writing boost. Been struggling to write my novel lately, and a lot of that is down to my situation. Being with Vanna will help tremendously.
10. Sorting my stuff out. I have drawers of junk, and clothes that need binning. I can’t be bothered to do it, but Vanna is quite keen. Job done.
11. Day trips. Vanna wants to go to London, I’m not so sure. We’ll figure out something though.
12. Company. Yeah, just not being alone is nice…
13. Cinema! Not really something I can do alone. Vanna wants to watch the second Hobbit film, I’m thinking Anchorman 2 (if it is out then).
14. Christmas pudding. Another thing Vanna hasn’t tried. I don’t think she’ll like it though.
15. Someone to play games with. Yes, I’m lots of fun, I know.
16. Another chance to persuade Vanna to Xbox. She’ll learn to love it.
17. Packing. Vanna loves packing clothes, and she’s really good at it. Again, job done.
18. Someone to watch the football with. My dad doesn’t like watching games on the computer, so Vanna can instead.
19. Keep me from boredom.
20. Clean my room.
21. Take care of me. I notice that the last three have a certain…theme to them. Well, she doesn’t mind.
22. Presents!  I’m hoping for a certain something, but we’ll see.
23. Someone to tease. In case she can’t entertain me, I’ll entertain myself by ribbing Vanna over something. Again, she doesn’t mind…
24. Trying something new. I was told ice skating, but I’m hoping there is something else we can experience that won’t involve me falling over a lot. Failing that, there is the panto.
25. Helping me to be healthier. Vanna’s been into organic foods recently, and I could do with cutting out some foods.
26. New Years Eve. Problem we have is where to go. Newcastle would be good, but Durham would be cheap. It’s a tough one. Still, we’ll do something more exciting than sitting in the house like we did last year.
27. The Pub. There’s a really cool pub in Durham that I want to take Vanna to, so that’s definitely something on the list.
28. Vanna has to listen to me. She can tell me to shut up, but because I’m not bound by the usual social convention, I can continue talking anyway. So there!
29. No Skype. Skype creates the foundation of our online relationship, and I really don’t like it. Being together in person thankfully cuts out the blurry, constantly disconnecting middle man…and I can’t wait.
30. Vanna gets my cultural references. So often the person I’m talking to fails to understand what I’m referring to. Vanna just gets me, man.

And there we have it. No doubt Vanna will be annoyed I’ve missed something out, but that’s what I came up with. Maybe I’ll do another 20 in ten days, and then 10 in twenty days. Might be pushing it though. I love her, but sixty reasons? Hmm, I don’t love her that much.

Heh…I wonder how much trouble that will get me in.

Alex.

Work Done, Now I Wait…

Today I’m blogging on my old laptop, and already I’m finding the whole process infuriating. With its clunky keyboard, awful operating system, 30 second battery and almost completely detached screen (and I don’t mean like one of those fancy Windows tablets…), it hasn’t taken long for me to remember why I bought my new laptop last October. But this clunky thing is my only option as my nice HP (the one with the good keyboard, okay battery, okay operating system and fully attached screen) is away to be repaired. And it could be gone for up to two weeks, meaning I might be stuck with this one for a while yet.

*sigh*

What happened to my HP? Well I don’t really know. I went to Canterbury and it was working fine. I came back and suddenly the fan was acting up. It’s loud usually, but now it is loud enough to drown out my music. Kinda vibrates at the same time, which is, uh, not great. To begin with it was sporadic, but in the past week or so it’s become more and more frequent. I assumed this to be a bad thing, so I stopped using it (hence why I didn’t post this weekend) until I was able to call the tech guys (their official name). You know, in case it exploded or something.

Anyway, I finally got round the call earlier and dropped off my laptop at the store. Looks like it is an easy fix (something to do with the bearings) but I still have to wait until the 2nd of December to get it back…hopefully they have just given that date to cover their backs. If not, I have a long wait ahead…

Moving on to a cheerier note, and I’ve finished work! The Lumiere Festival is over, and there are no more 10 hour shifts in the cold for me. I didn’t mind the job that much really, but I’m glad to see the back of that flourescent jacket…

Last time you’ll see this picture, so enjoy it.

Now, it was a mostly uneventful four days, so I’ll try to sum up each day as briefly as I can. That way you’ll get an idea of what I was up to (hint: not a lot). I’ll start with…

Thursday

Already talked about Thursday, but with hindsight it was probably one of the better days. The only time we had any real incident, and the busiest day for cars. Not many people asking for help, but we did get some angry reactions, so that was something. Coldest day, but I was mostly all right.

Friday

Ugh, the worst day I’d say. Barely any cars, and barely any people wanting my assistance. More than Thursday, but still not much. Oliver and I didn’t talk a great deal either, so there wasn’t much of an escape from the hours of tedium. Cold, silence and shoulder/neck pain. And my teeth hurt.

Saturday

Busiest day, so it was the best day. Not many cars but lots of people asking for Lumiere details, bus times, location of the train and bus stations, toilets etc etc. At one point I had 8 people and a car in thirty minutes, which was by far the most exciting half an hour on the job. Quite enjoyed helping people, but still a lot of standing around.

Oh, but I did get a free sausage roll. That made it a lot better.

Sunday

Except for a two hour period, Sunday was dead. No cars, no people. Just rain. Cold, incessant rain. And I was on my own for the most part, or at least it felt like it. But it was the last day, so it wasn’t as awful as Friday.

 

And that’s that. Not the most exciting experience, but it is money and something I can put on my C.V. I’ve now worked in a customer service role (sort of) which is good. And next week I get my money! So there we go.

Right, I’m off to relax. It’s rather strange having the evening in…I’ve suddenly got an extra nine hours to my day. What should I do with all this time?

Hmm. Xbox, I suppose.

…See you later.

Alex

 

Day One Review

My first day on the job didn’t go too badly. I had good company in a guy called Oliver. He’s my age and we got on well, which is quite important when you consider that we’re going to be manning the same post for 30 hours over the next three days (I said 8 yesterday…wishful thinking! But thanks to my miscalculation I’m getting more money than I thought I was, so that’s something). We chatted for a long time, and it certainly helped to pass the time.

As for the work itself, except for a few incidents that I’ll explain shortly, it was mostly all right. We’re at a good spot, I think. Though we can’t see any of the exhibits, we don’t get a great deal of inquiries (it was dead for the last couple of hours). We do get questions from people coming off the buses (we’re right next to one of the only stops in Durham), but they are easy enough to handle; where’s the train station, can I get a bus back here, whereabouts is the festival etc etc. I reckon we answered the majority well enough, and if we didn’t know the answer then we’d be honest and tell them we couldn’t help, which I think they appreciated (better than guessing and giving them the wrong information).

People in cars who wanted to be down the shut road were less than pleased, as you’d expect. Yeah, they were not too happy to have to go the long way around to get to their destination. Most of them varied from exasperated to annoyed, but we didn’t get too much aggravation (their frustration was aimed more at the festival than the two lads who had to follow the rules), which was a relief. Well, most followed our instructions without complaint. There were, however, two who believed themselves to be the exceptions…

First was a woman who wanted to be at one of the hotels. She didn’t listen to my instructions, went the wrong way, got lost somewhere, got directed back somewhere else, and eventually ended up back at us. We explained the directions again, but she wasn’t having it (cursing on, getting hysterical). Then her husband, who was in the car, got stopped by the police for blocking the road. She went over to them, more upset than ever, to explain the situation. We were then ordered by the police to unblock the road for them. Pfft.

Second happened when Oliver was at the bathroom. Two guys turned up in a van, and came up to me. I told them they couldn’t go down this way, but they weren’t having that, oh no. They ignored my instructions, and started moving my cones! I must admit I was caught out by this (we’d not had anyone move our cones before) so I relented and let them go. What else could I really do? The supervisor then came along, unimpressed by what he’d seen. I explained the situation and he thankfully understood. I’ll be ready for next time.

Typically, the hardest moments always came when Oliver was away. I was away twice, and he got one car. He was away three times, and I got 10 problems. Rather suspicious, isn’t it?

But I think we both improved as the day went on, and such issues shouldn’t trouble us again. We know what to do, and when we’re together we’re imposing enough to stop everyone (except for the police, but they’re allowed). I don’t think we will have too many problems today, though I expect it will be busier as it is Friday. No doubt there will be the occasional drunk, but hopefully they’ll be light relief, and not annoying traffic cone stealers. I’ve never done it myself, but I’m aware that there is something about traffic cones that appeal to drunks. We’ll have to keep an eye out.

Right, I best go. I was going to mention the weather but I really need to leave, so I’ll save that for later. Bye for now.

Alex

Getting Ready For Work…

Sorry for not blogging about my job training yesterday. I got home and I was just too tired to function. Not a great sign, really, when I was only out for an hour or so and today I’ve got an eight-hour shift to get through. Hmm.

Anyway, you’ll be glad to hear that the training session went well. I turned up, signed my documents, got my uniform and learned my assignment. Very straightforward, and I’m comfortable with what I have to do.

So, what do I have to do?

Essentially my job is to guard a road block (while trying not to freeze to death). I’m there to stop people pulling up, moving the cones and driving through. Nobody is allowed past except for emergency vehicles, the people who hired us, and the Royal Mail vans (but that’s just my road). Everyone else is given a polite ‘sorry, but you can’t come this way.’ It’s not overly challenging, but I’m happy to do it.

Fortunately, I’m not on a road that I think will cause a great deal of difficulties. I expect there will be some people who will try to get down the slip road to my old college, but I think there would be a lot more encountered if I were guarding a main road. As we’re in high vis jackets (you’ll see shortly) we’re bound to be asked questions about the Lumiere festival, but again, my job is easy as I’m right next to the entrance. All I have to do is point to some stairs. So hopefully it’ll all go well.

My only worry at the moment is my partner. As we’re going to be there for eight hours, it would be nice if it was someone that I can have a conversation with. I’m sure coordinating our breaks will be easy enough no matter who it is (someone always has to be on point), but I want someone to help me pass the time. Most of the other guys have met who they’ll be with (no guarantee they’ll get along, but it helps), but I was one of the unfortunate ones who received my instructions solo. I was told beforehand I’d be with a girl my age, but she didn’t turn up…so I’ve got no idea who it’ll be. Maybe her, maybe someone else. Ideally someone with a car who likes football. That’d be nice.

Okay…my uniform. I took pictures last night when I got home.

…I’d appreciate it if you didn’t laugh.

The least blurry picture had to be the one with the awkward pose and facial expression, didn’t it?

I’ve got my hat, gloves and heat warming things…I’m confident I’ll be warm even at midnight.

How I’ll look at midnight. Boom, game face.

…yeah. Not my favourite attire, but at least I won’t get run over. And it gives me some authority, which is nice.

Yeah…right.

Uh, is that the time? I should probably go and prepare myself. I’ll do my best to blog, either when I get home tonight (if I’m not too tired) or tomorrow morning, but no guarantees. My laptop is playing up, and I’m going to have to call the repair people…*sigh* Not looking forward to that. But if I’m conscious and my laptop doesn’t explode, I’ll let you know how my first day went.

Speak to you soon,

Alex

Lumiere Festival, Pantomimes And Under The Dome (The Finale!)

Very good news, good news and something of a disappointment; that’s how I’d describe the things in my title. But that’s pretty vague, so allow me to give you the details.

Lumiere Durham

Well, looks like I managed to spell ‘Lumiere’ right first time, which I feel is something of an achievement, albeit a very small one (but hey, they all count!).

Anyway, Lumiere Durham is a very popular lights festival that transforms Durham city centre into a magical light display for, uh, art and celebration (I’ve linked you to the official website if you want more information). It’s a four-day event, from the 14th to the 17th of November, and I’m going to be working there (woo!), telling people where to go, and generally trying to keep order. It isn’t a long-term job (obviously) but it’ll bring in a bit of money and get me outside for a few days (working from 2pm to 12am, so it’s going to be cold…good thing I’ve got my new winter coat!), which I feel is important as I’m suffering from that enjoyable condition known as writer’s block (urgh). And I should get to see the lights in their full glory, so that’s a bonus.

I’ve got my training tomorrow and then I’ll be good to go. Exercise, fresh air, money…yeah I’m excited. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to blog, but I’ll let you know how it goes (when I can).

Vanna’s First Pantomime

As pantomimes (wikipedia does the job so I don’t have to) are not really an American thing, this Christmas represents Vanna’s last chance to see one until…well, who knows? It’s going to be a couple of years at least before Vanna will be back in the UK, so I decided it was very important to put ‘seeing a pantomime’ on our To Do List.

Initially we were planning on just going to watch the pantomime at the Durham Gala, but my dad persuaded me against it. Though it would be nice to go to the evening show and then go home when it was all dark and everything felt Christmassy (you know what I mean? No? Just pretend), we should really plump for the full ‘experience’, and go to the Theatre Royal in Newcastle instead.

So yesterday I bought our tickets for a show on Thursday 9th January, at 2pm. It’s a bit more expensive than the Gala (twice the price in fact, but who can put a price on love? Ugh…) but I’m confident it’ll be worth it, especially as we have seats in the Grand Circle. Oh yeah. Second row as well, so we should have a good view (the seats are why we’re going in January; ideally we’d go before Christmas, but all the good seats are gone…you have to book fast when it comes to pantos).

I wanted to go in the evening, but as I didn’t want to sleep in the train station afterwards (good chance we’d miss the last train), the afternoon showing was more ideal. I’m told that the matinee is just as good though, and this way we’ll have time to explore Newcastle and have a meal after the show…so yeah, excited for this too. Hopefully Vanna will enjoy it, but who knows? It’s not going to be like anything else she’s ever see. BUT it’s another experience for us, and I’m sure she’ll get a good story out of it.

Under The Dome Finale…Why Bother?

Under The Dome had just started to win me over, it really had. Sure, it’s not as good as the book, and sure, the plots related to the dome were unbelievably stupid (the monarch will be crowned storyline was especially cheesy), but it was beginning to get good in other ways; there was suspense, drama and most importantly, I didn’t know how it was going to end (a feelingI wouldn’t have had if the show followed the book). So when it got to the finale, I was pretty excited to see what would happen.

*sigh*

Now, I know there is a second season next year so it wasn’t going to end perfectly…but it was awful. Such an anti climax. It was dumb, unconvincing, and didn’t really encourage me to watch the next season. I still will mind, because, well, I have to see what happens (and I’m a sadist). I think Sue (our control in the group as she hadn’t read the book before) enjoyed it more, but me and my dad weren’t keen at all. 3/10 for the episode (I gather it isn’t the only finale to disappoint recently either, so least UTD is good company), maybe a 6/10 for the season. But bleh. What a disappointment.

The rest of my news was good though, even if Stephen King’s decision-making wasn’t. So that’s something.

Alex

Annoying Splat

Photography On The Citadel

Is there a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than getting your camera and pestering your pet? I don’t think there is. As you can tell from her expression, Splat loves the flash!

In other news, we got new carpet…

My dad and Sue got special cushions…

And we got a new Christmas tree…

…yeah. Can’t say I’m particularly fond of it, especially not when it’s in view on the 9th of November, which is, you know, twenty two days sooner than the date when you should put up any Christmas decorations…but eh, I’ll get over it.

…Possibly.

 

 

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Why Watch Just One Bad Film When You Can Watch Five?

For reasons I’m not quite sure of, Abbie and I decided to use our time together last weekend to watch the most awful films we could find on Netflix and Lovefilm. I suppose it was because unintended humour can be even better than deliberate comedy. Or perhaps it was because we were bored. Either way, that’s what we did and now I’m going to share this experience with you guys. Which was the worst? Well they were all pretty awful but one in particular might surprise you.

Right then. I think the best way to do this is to give you the film synopsis and then add my thoughts, as these films don’t deserve a full review and I was laughing too much to think about them anyway.

So, let’s begin with…

Pizza

Wikipedia Synopsis: Cara-Ethyl is an eccentric and sheltered girl on the eve of her eighteenth birthday who desperately dreams of an exciting life. But she’s left with her blind, clueless (but well-meaning) mother, a pest of a brother (seriously, he’s like ten but throws some harsh insults) and made-up friends (Cara pretends she has a friend for her mother).

All that is changed when the pizza man, Matt Firenze comes to the door. Soon, Cara persuades Matt to allow her to go with him on his deliveries. As the night progresses, Cara-Ethyl and Matt impart their wisdom and learn from each other, and both are forced to evaluate their lives.

Hmm. Certainly the best film of the weekend, but I don’t think that says much. The story was just bizarre. I’m still not entirely sure what I watched. The girl does strange voices but everyone thinks that is okay, and she puts her head in front of a van, but everyone thinks that is also okay. As for the guy, he’s nearly 30 but did sexual acts with a 17 year old (if that) yet everyone thinks that is okay too. Then you’ve got the blind mother, the weird dances and then the spinning pizza cutscenes…

Honestly, this film is hilarious and weird in equal measure. If you are going to watch any film on this list, watch this one. You won’t regret it. Okay you will, but do it anyway. It’s the only way you’ll understand. 5/10

Slugs

Wikipedia Synopsis: A rural town becomes prey to a strain of black slugs spawned from toxic waste dumping. It is up to the local health inspector to stop them. People are dying mysteriously and gruesomely. Only health worker Mike Brady has a possible solution, but his theory of killer slugs is laughed at by the authorities. Only when the body count begins to rise and a slug expert begins snooping around does it begin to appear as though Mike might be right.

I watched this simply because I’ve read the Shaun Hutson book of the same name. The film is supposedly inspired from the book, but they’ve made a real hash of it. They copied the premise and the scenes, but did it all wrong. A health inspector for the county says they need to shut down the water, but he’s ignored completely. And the other characters change their mind so often I’m not entirely sure they believed it was slugs at the end, even when they were being attacked by them. The acting was poor, with the scientist (who looks very happy despite the circumstances) and the drunk wife (whose dialogue was clearly written by a misogynistic man) particularly bad.

The gore was pretty good though. I cringed a lot, which isn’t bad going when the effects were so, well, old. But the book had more suspense, and at the end…I just didn’t care. 4/10

Rubber

Rotten Tomatoes Synopsis: RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages.

Yes…Rubber. The problem with Rubber was that it was meant to be funny, and therefore wasn’t funny. Yes, I was amused by the intro and a few other moments, but ultimately it tried too hard. If it was serious, I would have enjoyed it more. Knowing it was deliberately being obtuse ruined the fun. Very clever and very imaginative, but ultimately had one joke and it dragged it out for far too long. So so so long. Maybe as an episode it would have worked better.

Sorry Robert. Nice idea though. 4/10

A Sinful Dwarf

Wikipedia Synopsis: Olaf brings women to the home he shares with his drunken mother. Once the unlucky ladies arrive, they are drugged, imprisoned, tied up and then turned into junkie-prostitutes.

Oh this was awkward. So very awkward. With dialogue that made the drinking woman from Slugs look independent (“Have you been drinking?” “Yes”…”Oh, I’m sorry for flying off the handle at you for spending what money we have on alcohol while I sit in this creepy room all day…it’s not your fault”), and acting that was so wooden and fake I could have done a better job, it’s no wonder most of the time we were treated to nudity. Not good nudity though. Really uncomfortable nudity, in fake sex scenes that were, without sounding perverse, awful even for horror films (personally I’d rather there wasn’t any, but if I looked away every time I’d only see half the film). There are videos online with more dignity and production value.

This all could be excused (possibly) if the rest of the film was any good, but it wasn’t. The premise was good but it was so unconvincing (“oh I’m being attacked…I’ll pretend to flail my arms around!”). And that wasn’t even the worst bit; the mother had two very long singing scenes for no reason whatsoever that were so bad I wanted to go back to the stupid (“door open, but let’s not escape!”) naked women in the attic. It was all so awful, I just don’t know what else to say about it.

Oh! The dwarf did his best. He was a creepy fella, with a very convincing evil laugh. He deserves a point, so I’ll double the score to 2/10.

A film with Keira Knightly and Steve Carell…something about friends and the end of the world

Not even going to bother giving Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World a synopsis because it doesn’t deserve it. A film with Keira Knightly and Steve Carell should not be this bad, but somehow it is. Only A Sinful Dwarf stopped it from being a complete humiliation. In some ways SAFFTEOTW is worse, as it was such a disappointment. Both of us wanted to see it, but it was poor.

I don’t even have the heart to have a proper go at it, but I’ll try…

The plot: It meandered. It barely followed a logical sequence, and went from funny to surreal to depressing on a regular basis (but not in a good way). The supposed emotional moments were ineffective for various reasons (it’s been a while since I saw it, and I don’t really want to bring it up again), and went into cliche by putting the two characters together. Urgh.

Dialogue, too, was awful. There was a scene where they talked about something so inane I felt like punching myself, and then the ending was, well, underwhelming to say the least. Add in a plane that apparently could make it across to England when it clearly couldn’t, and Knightly finding her way home without transport before the asteroid hit, and I just started to get annoyed. I’ve never wanted to shut a film off after thirty minutes, but that’s how I felt with this. To be honest, I’d rather watch A Sinful Dwarf over this.

And it has a stupid bloody name. 3/10. And that’s being generous.

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So, what have I learned from this experience? Uh…don’t watch film that have less than 3* on Netflix. They aren’t worth it. And just because it has famous actors in it doesn’t mean a film is better than one which involves a tyre that murders people.

Alex

 

Canterbury Pictures

Photography On The Citadel

Great news yesterday right? After a slow start, things are starting to move on nicely with the fiancée Visa. A little bit nervous about what’s going to happen, but otherwise I’m feeling positive for the future. The sooner I can move over to America, the better.

Anyway, Canterbury. Last weekend I went to see my friend Abbie while she was on holiday from university (it’s called a reading week, but essentially it’s just an excuse for a week off from work), and had a wonderful time. We didn’t do a great deal (mostly we watched awful films, which I’ll talk about later) but we did visit Canterbury’s centre on the Friday and Sunday.

Canterbury, quite honestly, isn’t the most exciting place in the world. Lots of pretty buildings, but unless you want to shop, pray or experience poor customer service, you’ll be bored after a few days. I think…

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