So I’ve driven for…uh a couple of months now, and though there are some areas that need improvement, I feel like I’m a fairly competent driver (hey, stop your laughing, you lot in the back). I’m respectful of my car (well…Vanna’s), the road, and of course, other road users. I don’t speed, slow other cars or drive recklessly. I know what I’m doing on the road; at the risk of sounding overconfident, I reckon that once I get reversing nailed down I should be able to pass my rest without any major difficulties. I may not be as good as…uh, Kimi Raikkonen (I was once told I looked like him – probably because of the hair – so he’s my go to driver from now on), but you can certainly trust me to commandeer a vehicle in a safe manner.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m getting this driving business nailed down. I can drive around and it is no big deal. I belong on the road. Cops even follow me…but in a positive way….because I’m driving so great. You know what I mean?
No? Well have I at least convinced you that I believe I’m a good driver? Yes? Excellent. It is very important I express my credentials to you before I get into this blog post. Why? Because I’m about to criticize the driving abilities of others and I want to do it without any doubt whatsoever. I want to sit at the top of my tall, ivory tower (I’m in the penthouse suite!) and cast judgement on others because they can’t drive as well as me, while simultaneously ignoring all the petty comments of the naysayers that try to bring my beautiful tower down (you haven’t even driven for a year, you don’t even have a license etc etc; bitter remarks like that).
So now we’ve cleared that up (recap: I’m amazing at getting behind a wheel, starting the engine and then making the car move places without killing myself or others!), let’s go through the list of people who should stay at home or get the bus from now on (not that I’m taking a condescending tone or anything).
Intro (an explanation of my reasoning):
You see, in these precious few months that I’ve driven, I couldn’t help but notice a number of bad behaviours that I wish to complain about in my own…special…way (see everything above).
Now I’m not talking about people who go the speed limit or people who go slow at night as I understand not everybody is as comfortable behind the wheel as I am. That’s not their fault.
No, I’m talking about the people who are either arrogant, ignorant, stupid or a magical combination of all three. I’m talking about the people who need to take a long hard look at themselves, think about what they are doing and…uh, stop doing it. They ruin the driving experience for everybody else (as well as being dangerous) and that annoys me. I’m talking about people like…
VIP is a term my dad used and I think it is very appropriate word for the drivers it refers to. Like a celebrity who thinks the world revolves around them, VIP drivers believe themselves to be the most important thing in the world.
Well, that’s what I have to assume from their driving. Why else would someone abruptly cut out in front of you (forcing you to hit the brake) when there was plenty of space once you went by? Clearly they must be famous or significant and we mere mortals should just adjust our driving to appease their reckless behaviour. They have places to go, people to see. They can’t wait! Their time is precious. Let them through, let them through!
How can you tell when someone is a VIP? Well the aforementioned cutting is a giveaway. Speeding through a yellow light when it was safe to stop, overtaking cars going a respectable speed, merging into your lane while ignoring the fact you were going faster than they were (they can’t let you pass first, don’t be ridiculous; they’ve got places to go, people!)…these are all trademarks of the VIP driver. No, they are not impatient drivers, just very busy people.
Think about VIPs as cops. But, you know, without the power, authority or emergency. So not like cops then. More like…[REDACTED].
Best (Worst) Example?
Oh there are so many! But nothing beats the VIP who carelessly pulls out in front of you because they are too damn inconsiderate to wait. I don’t suffer from road rage, but if I did, cutters would receive the most vitriol.
Swerving, random acceleration/slowing down, delayed reactions to signs/cars/deer/general hazards are the unsafe traits of the Unpredictables.
A lame name I know. I suppose a better title would be Phonies, as I often find that the reason for the poor driving is because the driver is too busy yakking on their mobile to focus on the road. It isn’t illegal to use the phone (unless you’re texting) while driving in this country (or Minnesota at least) but it should be. When you are in control of a ton, two ton, vehicle, your entire concentration should be on the vehicle so you don’t kill yourself or others.
Fact: using a phone is a distraction. Phonies are even worse than VIPs; they are unaware of their surroundings, dangerous and unpredictable. I wouldn’t say they are as bad as drunk drivers, but their stupid decision to be on the phone definitely hinders their driving. Can’t the call wait? If you need to answer it, pull over first. When you are on the road you are responsible for more than just yourself. Being on the phone is selfish and I hate you for it.
Sorry, got caught up there. A lot of personal pronouns there. I’m not directing this at you, dear reader(unless you’re guilty)…my apologies.
As I say, not every driver culpable of driving erratically is on their phone. But most of them are.
Best (Worst) Example?
Driving along the freeway and the guy in front of me is changing speed and veering for a good five minutes. I finally get past this accident waiting to happen and what do I see? The guy was TEXTING! Going 65mph and he’s texting. What a colossal idiot.
Special mention to the driver who had his indicator on for ten miles. That was beyond a joke. Guy didn’t even have the excuse of being a Phoney.
(K)Night Riders (geddit? I’m referencing an 80s show I’ve never ever seen in my life!):
Riding (going super close to the back of the car in front) is a risky and dangerous move (no reaction time) no matter what the circumstances. It is especially bad, however, when it happens at night-time. Deer is a huge issue here, and it is very difficult to look out for them when you have a tailgater blinding you with their headlights. Plus, if you have to brake suddenly, they will hit you. And it’ll be their fault.
Can’t stand riders. They create an unnecessary and completely avoidable situation. Patience is a virtue, and not being rear-ended should be as well. Get off my butt, jackass!
Best (Worst) Example?
Well…literally everybody who does this to me sucks.
Cidiots (I’d love to take credit for that hilarious play on words…so I will!):
City. Idiots. Cidiots. Clever, I know.
Essentially these are the tourists who come up from the cities for the weekend and ruin our time on the road with their defensive driving. They don’t know the roads and even if they did, they still don’t know what they’re doing. They’re impatient, rarely indicate, ride your butt constantly…essentially a awful combination of the bad driving traits I’ve already covered. And they clog up the road with their stupid boats.
…God, I’m becoming a local.
Best (Worst) Example?
Guy in his big truck towing his big boat forced me to slam on the brakes when he pulled out in front of me into the opposite lane. Could he have waited? Of course he could have. A VIP cidiot. Oh joy.
Car-less Morons (sometimes you just have to play it straight):
Now, I have a bike. I’m too lazy to use it at the moment, but I do like cycling. And I often cycle on the road (as opposed to trails). But unlike so many bicyclists, I know the highway code. I cycle with traffic, not against it, and I stick to the farthest part of the hard shoulder so I don’t make drivers nervous by veering out onto the road. It isn’t hard to be safe, is it? Why then do so many fail to obey the simple laws of the road? Ridiculous.
Also, pedestrians, I know you have right of way but would it kill you to look first (in fact, it would do the opposite!) before you step out? And when I stop for you, where is my thank you wave? It is common courtesy, you impolite gits. Your lack of gratitude for me not running your ignorant self over makes me want to run your ignorant self over.
And, hey, if you are going to walk around late at night, wear bright clothes. And walk against traffic, not with it. Thanks.
Best (Worst) Example?
Turning a sharp corner late at night and almost hit a dude who is walking on my side of the road wearing all black. Annoyingly it would have been my fault had I knocked him over. How selfish.
I made this list to make a somewhat sarcastic dig at VIPs, and ended up making a passionate argument against…well, practically everybody. Sorry about that.
In my defence though, I think I’m justified to criticize these people. There a lot of poor drivers out there causing accidents, after all. Sure, there are plenty of good drivers too, but it only takes one distracted, tailgating VIP cidiot to ruin your day (and your car).
So if you are reading this and you are guilty of one, or some, of these bad driving behaviours…please stop. Then tell somebody else to stop. That way everyone could have a fun driving experience and there would be no accidents ever.
That’s how it works, right?
Thanks for reading,