Why Watch Just One Bad Film When You Can Watch Five?

For reasons I’m not quite sure of, Abbie and I decided to use our time together last weekend to watch the most awful films we could find on Netflix and Lovefilm. I suppose it was because unintended humour can be even better than deliberate comedy. Or perhaps it was because we were bored. Either way, that’s what we did and now I’m going to share this experience with you guys. Which was the worst? Well they were all pretty awful but one in particular might surprise you.

Right then. I think the best way to do this is to give you the film synopsis and then add my thoughts, as these films don’t deserve a full review and I was laughing too much to think about them anyway.

So, let’s begin with…

Pizza

Wikipedia Synopsis: Cara-Ethyl is an eccentric and sheltered girl on the eve of her eighteenth birthday who desperately dreams of an exciting life. But she’s left with her blind, clueless (but well-meaning) mother, a pest of a brother (seriously, he’s like ten but throws some harsh insults) and made-up friends (Cara pretends she has a friend for her mother).

All that is changed when the pizza man, Matt Firenze comes to the door. Soon, Cara persuades Matt to allow her to go with him on his deliveries. As the night progresses, Cara-Ethyl and Matt impart their wisdom and learn from each other, and both are forced to evaluate their lives.

Hmm. Certainly the best film of the weekend, but I don’t think that says much. The story was just bizarre. I’m still not entirely sure what I watched. The girl does strange voices but everyone thinks that is okay, and she puts her head in front of a van, but everyone thinks that is also okay. As for the guy, he’s nearly 30 but did sexual acts with a 17 year old (if that) yet everyone thinks that is okay too. Then you’ve got the blind mother, the weird dances and then the spinning pizza cutscenes…

Honestly, this film is hilarious and weird in equal measure. If you are going to watch any film on this list, watch this one. You won’t regret it. Okay you will, but do it anyway. It’s the only way you’ll understand. 5/10

Slugs

Wikipedia Synopsis: A rural town becomes prey to a strain of black slugs spawned from toxic waste dumping. It is up to the local health inspector to stop them. People are dying mysteriously and gruesomely. Only health worker Mike Brady has a possible solution, but his theory of killer slugs is laughed at by the authorities. Only when the body count begins to rise and a slug expert begins snooping around does it begin to appear as though Mike might be right.

I watched this simply because I’ve read the Shaun Hutson book of the same name. The film is supposedly inspired from the book, but they’ve made a real hash of it. They copied the premise and the scenes, but did it all wrong. A health inspector for the county says they need to shut down the water, but he’s ignored completely. And the other characters change their mind so often I’m not entirely sure they believed it was slugs at the end, even when they were being attacked by them. The acting was poor, with the scientist (who looks very happy despite the circumstances) and the drunk wife (whose dialogue was clearly written by a misogynistic man) particularly bad.

The gore was pretty good though. I cringed a lot, which isn’t bad going when the effects were so, well, old. But the book had more suspense, and at the end…I just didn’t care. 4/10

Rubber

Rotten Tomatoes Synopsis: RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages.

Yes…Rubber. The problem with Rubber was that it was meant to be funny, and therefore wasn’t funny. Yes, I was amused by the intro and a few other moments, but ultimately it tried too hard. If it was serious, I would have enjoyed it more. Knowing it was deliberately being obtuse ruined the fun. Very clever and very imaginative, but ultimately had one joke and it dragged it out for far too long. So so so long. Maybe as an episode it would have worked better.

Sorry Robert. Nice idea though. 4/10

A Sinful Dwarf

Wikipedia Synopsis: Olaf brings women to the home he shares with his drunken mother. Once the unlucky ladies arrive, they are drugged, imprisoned, tied up and then turned into junkie-prostitutes.

Oh this was awkward. So very awkward. With dialogue that made the drinking woman from Slugs look independent (“Have you been drinking?” “Yes”…”Oh, I’m sorry for flying off the handle at you for spending what money we have on alcohol while I sit in this creepy room all day…it’s not your fault”), and acting that was so wooden and fake I could have done a better job, it’s no wonder most of the time we were treated to nudity. Not good nudity though. Really uncomfortable nudity, in fake sex scenes that were, without sounding perverse, awful even for horror films (personally I’d rather there wasn’t any, but if I looked away every time I’d only see half the film). There are videos online with more dignity and production value.

This all could be excused (possibly) if the rest of the film was any good, but it wasn’t. The premise was good but it was so unconvincing (“oh I’m being attacked…I’ll pretend to flail my arms around!”). And that wasn’t even the worst bit; the mother had two very long singing scenes for no reason whatsoever that were so bad I wanted to go back to the stupid (“door open, but let’s not escape!”) naked women in the attic. It was all so awful, I just don’t know what else to say about it.

Oh! The dwarf did his best. He was a creepy fella, with a very convincing evil laugh. He deserves a point, so I’ll double the score to 2/10.

A film with Keira Knightly and Steve Carell…something about friends and the end of the world

Not even going to bother giving Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World a synopsis because it doesn’t deserve it. A film with Keira Knightly and Steve Carell should not be this bad, but somehow it is. Only A Sinful Dwarf stopped it from being a complete humiliation. In some ways SAFFTEOTW is worse, as it was such a disappointment. Both of us wanted to see it, but it was poor.

I don’t even have the heart to have a proper go at it, but I’ll try…

The plot: It meandered. It barely followed a logical sequence, and went from funny to surreal to depressing on a regular basis (but not in a good way). The supposed emotional moments were ineffective for various reasons (it’s been a while since I saw it, and I don’t really want to bring it up again), and went into cliche by putting the two characters together. Urgh.

Dialogue, too, was awful. There was a scene where they talked about something so inane I felt like punching myself, and then the ending was, well, underwhelming to say the least. Add in a plane that apparently could make it across to England when it clearly couldn’t, and Knightly finding her way home without transport before the asteroid hit, and I just started to get annoyed. I’ve never wanted to shut a film off after thirty minutes, but that’s how I felt with this. To be honest, I’d rather watch A Sinful Dwarf over this.

And it has a stupid bloody name. 3/10. And that’s being generous.

———————————————————————————————————————–

So, what have I learned from this experience? Uh…don’t watch film that have less than 3* on Netflix. They aren’t worth it. And just because it has famous actors in it doesn’t mean a film is better than one which involves a tyre that murders people.

Alex

 

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