Vanna Rant: Engagement

Alex wanted me to share my thoughts on the engagement, but as you know, I would rather complain.
So.. another Vanna Rant. (you might think, “they must have a miserable relationship since all they both do is complain about everything.” But it actually works out quite well.)

Engagement: easy
Getting married: not so easy

In case you haven’t caught on, Alex and I are in different countries; this means that there are certain obstacles we have to overcome that other engaged couples do not have to deal with.

Citizenship:

Turns out it is a very long and complicated process to marry an alien. (I was going to say something like non-citizen, but alien describes Alex more efficiently I think.)

So to start the process of marriage, Alex and I have to be approved by the U.S. government as eligible candidates.  To do this, I have to “sponsor” him by filling out a long personal application, with a filling fee of $400, for the government to approve. (Given they approve) Then Alex and I will be given 90 days to provide proof of marriage, if we fail to do this Alex will be deported and forbidden to come into the U.S.

After we are legally married, Alex can apply for a green card (few hundred dollars), and then if he is approved for that he will be able to apply for a work visa (few hundred dollars) after X amount of days.

Wedding Ceremony:

Because we are only given 90 days to be married, Alex and I have decided to do a court house wedding (within the 90 days) to sign the legal documents (costs like $150 to obtain a marriage license) and be “legally married” to please the government.

We will then be given more time to plan and save for a ceremony.

-Money

As any couple has to, Alex and I have to actually afford to have a ceremony. Oh and wedding rings too. After the legal process of becoming married, we will have exhausted every penny we own (well more than that since we currently have $0).  This doesn’t leave us with much to have a beautiful extravagant wedding ceremony (which we rightly deserve after all of the pains of a long distance relationship.)

We have to pay for  wedding invites, venue, decorations, seating, and a reception. All x2 because we have two different countries of family to involve (let alone the travel cost for us). Oh and a dress.

Realistically we can only afford one ceremony, which causes a sticky situation. Which country and which family & friends will be the special ones to be a part of our union?

You can’t exactly say one side is more important than the other…

Because of this, we are currently planning to have a private ceremony with only our parents and siblings present. Cuts down the cost of having an entire wedding party and 200+ guests to fly to a different country.

We then came up with the diplomatic plan have two receptions, one in each country, to include all family and friends.

-Reception

So yeah, receptions are expensive. Find a venue, pay for decorations, catering (X amount for each plate), and entertainment (x2 for each country). You can see how this would be a problem for a couple with no money.

So cut out the receptions I guess.

This is all rather depressing, isn’t it? Especially if you factor in how adorable we are:

As shown here with varying backdrops. (yes, I am aware that I’m always on the same side. I do it for my hair.)

So to add some happiness to our situation, I have planned a wonderful private beach ceremony in an exotic location: Scotland. Not exactly exotic, but eh, it works…as long as it doesn’t rain.

On the Isle of Skye, where Alex’s family took me to vacation for a week in June 2011, there is a lovely secluded beach called Coral Beach.

(in case you’re thinking, “what the eff is the Isle of Skye: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isle_of_Skye )

I immediately fell in love the island and the beach, so this is where I want our ceremony to be.

We’ll have a small, quick wedding with only our immediate family (and photographer) on the beach, and then spend the next hour traveling around the island taking cutesy wedding pictures with all the diverse landscapes and locations

…and local sheep.

Later in the day we can have a romantic lunch of fish and chips in Portree and spend the rest of the day doing *insert future plans.*

Then we can spend our honeymoon in a romantic cottage on the island, enjoying each other’s company (not sure what to do with the family yet… that can be decided later)

So yeah, that’s my plan so far. Spend what money we have flying my family to Scotland, paying for a photographer, and on our honeymoon.

To all of our family and friends, I truly am sorry that we cannot afford your company. We will try to arrange something for the closest friends to spend time with us before we head off. A night out or something? (which you can pay for, hah.)

My Dad The (Fictional) Football Manager

My father is a Manchester United fan (that’s a football/”soccer” team American readers) and for his 50th birthday I wrote a little story with him as the lead. I read it again and couldn’t help but chuckle, so I thought I would share it on the blog. It was either this or complain about the things that have annoyed me today (that horrible plastic they wrap electricals in, the savage carpet gripper strips I’ve had to pull up this week and the new wordpress format which I find very inconvenient) but I didn’t think you deserved that after yesterday’s moaning.

So after making a few changes (the players mentioned in the original, for example, are no longer with the club- ha, you’re old dad).  I uploaded this instead.

Also, for those of you who aren’t interested in football and/or are American, I’ve added footnotes to help ease the confusion you might find yourselves in (it’s still going to happen but I’ve tried my best) because I’m nice like that. Feel free to reward me with cash.

Have a great Friday everyone!

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I entered the changing rooms, the smell of victory strong in my nostrils. If victory smelt of burly footballers, hot and sweaty from a ninety minute contest of determination, passion and skill, otherwise known as a football match. It would also smell of victory if they had actually won. But they lost. 3-0 to Chelsea (Ed: I had to add in my team obviously) at Old Trafford*.

I watched as the players reached for their pre-warmed towels and sat on the heated benches, dejected at the way in which they had been defeated. The manner could only be described as ‘badly’, and frankly that is putting it nicely. Five bookings and one sending off. And that was just the first half.

People wondered what would happen when Ferguson* finally decided that golfing would be his preferred hobby and retired from management. At the age of…well he was old put it that way…he finally left last week after much discussion over his retirement, mainly between him and his golfing partner about how he could improve his handicap.  This was Manchester United’s first match without him.

They looked a mess. They looked lost. They looked…just plain awful. Of course, what they need is a charismatic, brilliant, intelligent tactician  who could step up to the mantle, replace Ferguson, command the respect and love of the team and take them to glory in all tournaments.

But because Jose Mourinho* wasn’t leaving Real Madrid, they had to settle for me. Anthony Best, new Manchester United manager.

When I was approached by the chairman, I was thoroughly surprised. Especially as I was driving on the motorway* at the time. After a good discussion over a drink (I know, 10am and I’m drinking apple juice), he explained he had heard about my great triumphs and declared that I was the right man for the job. Turns out they needed a new finance officer* and I was the man they had chosen! I was obviously ecstatic. Some of the greatest finance officers in history had been at Man Utd, such as Tim Woodburn, Julian Wright and who could forget David Yates*?

But as we chatted I discussed my hobbies. And of course Championship Manager* and FIFA 12* came up, with me explaining my many trophies in Germany (Won the Bundesliga with three different teams) and how I managed to get Andy Carroll to score ten goals in FIFA. This intrigued him very much so; ‘’Even Andy Carroll couldn’t score ten goals as Andy Carroll in FIFA’ he said. Harsh, but sadly true. He only managed five (and one was deflected).

After I’d mentioned this, I could tell he was interested in me becoming the new manager. You know how I knew this? He said ‘’I’m interested in you becoming the new manager of Manchester United’’.

Cut forward four days and here I was, standing in the changing rooms of the home team, waiting to address the players for the first time.

I tried to look impassive at them, not revealing how I felt (bit hungry as it happens, I skipped lunch). This was important; you have to look at them in the eye and show you are the MAN.

‘’Are you alright gaffa? You look a bit constipated’’ Giggsy asked, approaching me. Success! He called me gaffa!

‘’I’m fine, but you certainly didn’t look it out there. You couldn’t pass two yards and the few shots you had were so off target De Gea had to save them.’’ I was in my element now. I strolled around the changing room, looking at everyone, especially Ferdinand. I wanted to make it clear by my expression he was the worst on the pitch, but the drool coming from his mouth suggested he’d fallen asleep standing up again. He did the same thing on the pitch, but sadly it was only after he woke up that we conceded.

Feeling their attention on me, I tried to rack my brain for some more phrases off Championship Manager. Your mother wouldn’t put it in the scrapbook...no that was for a draw…never mind. We’d have done better playing the kids! Yeah, that’ll do.

“You were so bad we would have done better if we’d played the kids!”

“We did play the kids, we were playing Chelsea Youth!” Gigg’s protested.

“I meant our kids but no excuses! You didn’t keep it tight at the back. You didn’t keep it tight in midfield. You didn’t keep it tight up front and you didn’t keep it tight when they had the ball”

I look around the room, seeing looks of disappointment round the room. My key phrase; ‘keep it tight’ had worked its magic. Time to hammer the point home with one powerful statement, and then quickly leave, allowing them to consider my words.

“You were rubbish!”

I quickly turned on my heel, storming out of the changing rooms, my coat billowing out behind me. I think I made a good first impression there. Oh, what is that? I glanced down for a second, seeing something white on the sole of my shoe. A piece of toilet roll. It must have stuck to my shoe when I walked around the changing rooms.

“Oh f…”

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*Old Trafford is Manchester Utd’s stadium.

*Sir Alex Ferguson, Man Utd’s current manager and one of the most successful managers in the world.

*Jose Mourinho, a very talented coach who led Chelsea to their first (and second) Premier League trophy.

*My dad is a finance officer.

*Those names are fictional finance officers…it was a joke but if you’re reading this I’ve essentially ruined it so, uh, never mind.

*Championship Manager is a computer game where you manage a team.

*FIFA 12 is another computer game but this time you play as the football team instead of watching from the sidelines.