Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Howdy folks,

First, my apologies for this latest blog silence. I had every intention of posting a quick update last week, but because of one thing or another I never got around to getting online. Next thing I know it has been 14 days since I last posted. Whooops. Sorry about that.

So to continue from my last blog post, albeit with a more negative outlook,  today I’m going to talk about how things haven’t quite moved forwards like I had hoped they would back in late April.  Generally we are doing well (Vanna got a new job book-keeping which she is enjoying), but there have been a few frustrating moments lately which have hindered our progress somewhat. For example…

The DMV Continues To Be Difficult

I love driving so much. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it over winter until I got behind the wheel again last month. A few weeks ago we went for an impromptu drive out into the country which was great. With the weather so beautifully warm and sunny…there is nothing better than driving out on the open road. I love it. Unfortunately,  I will have to be a passenger again in July…unless I can bypass the status check on my license.

But wait; didn’t I get a work permit recently? The reason I’m having these problems is because the DMV is hung up on my permanent residency (unreasonably if you ask me…but whatever), or lack thereof. But a work card verifying that I can work should surely be appropriate authorization for them?

Hmm. You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Well it isn’t that straightforward, because of reasons (oh, those reasons! of course!). You see, when I went into the DMV to get my permit, I was told that once I had some proof of residency (all the letters weren’t enough) I should come back in immediately and they’ll validate my license.

So once I had my biometrics appointment and received my card, I went back into the DMV as requested with my information. Finally I was going to get it sorted! Ha! Nope! The lady at the desk instead told me they couldn’t do anything yet, and I needed to wait until July.

Uhhh…what? That is the complete opposite instruction to the one given to us by the first woman! Hmm. Now, I suppose one could accuse the second worker of laziness/incompetence, but hey, I’m not going to question her professionalism like that. What I will say however, is that she didn’t seem too keen to do any work. Uh, is that any better?

Well, regardless of motive, the woman sent us away, which means I’m still waiting for confirmation on whether I can drive permanently or not. This may not seem like a big deal, but my inability to apply for a driver’s license is affecting me in other ways. I’ll explain that shortly, but first, let me complain about Straight Talk!

Trying To Do A Good Deed Has Only Caused  Problems

During our trip to Crosby on Saturday to visit family, Vanna gave my old phone to her sister. Well, tried to anyway. She ran into problems setting the mobile up in her sister’s name almost immediately, because it appears that my old phone still has my current number on it, and refuses to relinquish it.

I won’t bore you with the details, but Vanna was on the phone to Straight Talk’s ‘customer helpline’ for about three hours. In that time, she was switched from rep to rep, and not a single one was able to fix the problem. In fact, one particular genius in the Straight Talk ranks actually made matters worse, because he elected to shut down the number entirely. You know, the number that I’m using. Isn’t that great?

Thankfully I can still text and make phone calls, but I can’t access 3G. This doesn’t sound too bad until you realize that is the main reason I use my phone. Vanna was also charged for my old phone’s new service plan…even though the damned thing doesn’t actually work. Right now we are paying for two phones and neither are functioning in the way that they should. Again, isn’t that just great?

So yeah…Straight Talk suck. Feel free to share that information around.

Applying For Jobs Isn’t Straightforward Either

Remember at the end of my first complaint (I’d hope so, it wasn’t that long ago) when I mentioned that not having a driver’s license is a hindrance for one big reason? Well, that big reason is finding a job.

Why is that the case? The main problem is that, in this area, most people are entirely reliant on access to a vehicle because there are very few options when it comes to public transport. I am no different; without Vanna and her car, I can’t really go anywhere. As a result, my job opportunities are limited to what works with Vanna’s schedule. Finding a suitable job isn’t impossible, but you can understand my search is made harder than it would be if I had my own vehicle.

In fact, I don’t even need a vehicle; I just need a driver’s license.  Right now I can’t drive unless Vanna is with me, which is a serious inconvenience. The ability to drive alone would at least open up a few more doors. For example, I could drop Vanna off at her work, drive to my job, and then pick her up afterwards. It wouldn’t be perfect, but we could make it work.

Sadly though, I can’t do that. At least not until the DMV accepts that I’m not just mooching here for the summer. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to struggle to find suitable work. Thankfully we aren’t dependent on me bringing in money, but I’d rather start contributing sooner rather than later. Every little helps, right? And it would get me out the house on a regular basis, which would be greatly appreciated. I suppose I’ll just have to keep looking and hope something interesting pops up.

*sigh*

But Hey, It Isn’t All Bad News

Chelsea, the football team I support, won the league on Sunday, and I did apply for a few jobs earlier today. I’ll let you know if anything happens.

Speak to you soon,

Alex

 

Christmas: A Time For Food, Football…And The Inquisition!

Hello all,

I hope you all had a good Christmas! Our first one together was pretty good. Despite Vanna’s work commitments, we managed to spend plenty of time together. We didn’t do anything particularly special – either we were visiting family, or chilling at home – but it was nice. No complaints from me anyway.

I overindulged though. This past week I’ve eaten enough chocolate and cookies to last me a lifetime. And there’s been so much football to watch as well! Thanks to NBC, I’ve managed to see about 10 games (live, not replay) in the last couple of weeks. Christmas football was always a great thing back at home, but it is even better now I have access to all the games. Most people would think moving to America would make it harder to watch English football…turns out it’s far better over here. Granted, I do have to wake up at 6am every Saturday if I want to watch it, but that’s a small price to pay for seeing my team in action. Hell, I’ll be doing it once again tonight for the New Year’s Day games.

Well…that is if I can manage to get to bed early, which might not be possible. Not because it is New Year’s Eve and we’re both out partying (we couldn’t do that even if we wanted to; Vanna works 7-12 tomorrow morning), but because my third indulgence has made sleeping…somewhat irrelevent.

What is my third indulgence? Oh, just this awesome game.

Dragon Age: Inquisition (Dragon Age 3, effectively). A Christmas present from Vanna, and my new obsession. I’ve had it less than a week, and yet I’ve already played over 40 hours. Were it not for chores, those family visits I mention (note the comma…), and Netflix with Vanna (we’ve just finished watching Wentworth, which is like Orange Is The New Black but with far more interesting/less irritating characters, and are now onto our second viewing of Sherlock), I think I’d be closer to 100 hours. I love it so much. Even better than I’d anticipated it to be. The story has hooked me, the gameplay is much improved, the environments are simply beautiful…and I’ll stop there before this becomes long-winded. Here’s a cat picture!

Anya loves Dragon Age because it means she can lie comfortably in my lap for four or five hours.

So that’s been my life for the past week. Other than that, not a lot going on. Even now that we’re on New Year’s Eve. As I say, I’m not entirely sure we’re doing anything special tonight, but if we do, I’ll let you know. I’m not one for resolutions, but I suppose here’s a couple, very uninteresting, very typical ones.

1. Be fitter. Eat healthier. All that nonsense.
2. Get my book finished. I just need to edit two weeks, and write three weeks. Easy…
3. Enjoy life, experience it. Go places. Do things. (and then blog about what happened).

Have a wonderful New Year’s everybody, and I’ll speak to you again in 2015!

Alex

Big Day Tomorrow…(And An Even Bigger Day Monday)

Howdy folks.

First, a quick apology about the lack of posts this week. No real reason for it, I must admit. Mostly I’ll be working hard at my book, which has taken up a lot of my time. Making real progress though, so that’s good. Otherwise, there just hasn’t been much going on! The weather has been poor, so I haven’t gone anywhere, and there’s been no good photo opportunities either. Bummer, right?

Anyway, moving on and I’ve had a busy day today. Not only have I spent hours and hours replaying Dragon Age: Origins (very important work…and another reason I haven’t blogged lately…ahem), I have also had Sunday’s big trip to prepare for.

Oh yes. I’d like to say I’ve gotten over my nerves but I haven’t. I get anxious every time I think about it. As I said in the other blog, I’m confident but I can’t help but worry about, well…everything. Checking the letter, it says I could be there for two, possibly three hours. What’s going to happen in that time?! Already stressing out. Thankfully my dad will be with me for moral support. He probably won’t say anything, but it’ll be good to have him with.

Other than trying to keep calm, there isn’t much to do except wait. My overnight bag is packed, my file has the necessary additions (like my birth certificate, which I almost forgot) and I’ve gone through it all with Vanna via Skype so I know exactly what I’ve got with me to help support our case. The only thing we don’t have is a map, but I think we should be able to figure it out considering it is ten minutes away from where I got my medical, and the hotel is only a few minutes away from there. I can always google street-view it too.

So, what’s the plan? Well, the train leaves Durham early tomorrow morning. We’ll get there mid-afternoon, providing there’s no delays. At that point we’ll check into the hotel, and maybe after that go for a walk around London. I’m pleased to report that the forecast is positive (sunshine, no rain) during out time there, which is certainly encouraging. And my camera is already in my bag, so if we do have a wander, I’ll be able to take some photographs. There is a possibility we may go to Chelsea’s ground (Stamford Bridge), which I’ve never seen before (in person). Obviously going to the Bridge would be very exciting for me, even if it was just for a wander around the ground (as opposed to going on a tour). Whether we actually do that…I’m not sure at this point. But wherever we go, you’ll see the pictures Tuesday or Wednesday.

As for Monday, it’ll be an early start. Appointment at nine, and we’ll want to be there thirty minutes beforehand. It won’t be a long walk from the hotel to the embassy, but I’m not going to take any chances; we will probably leave the hotel shortly after eight that morning. Get to the embassy, have the interview and leave (hopefully in a jubilant mood). Not sure when the train home is (my dad has the tickets) but it’ll be late evening by the time we get back. I’ll let you know how it goes on Tuesday.

Right then, I should go. Dragon Age is calling me…

Wish me (us) luck!

Alex

Day One

Already Splat and I are at loggerheads. She wanted tinned food, but I gave her a pouch instead. I told her it was pretty much the same thing, but she wasn’t impressed. There was then an argument, and in the resulting melee several blows were thrown…some of which I’m not proud to say were thrown by me.  It’s been quiet since, however, as Splat went outside to think about what she’d done. Hopefully she’ll come in later with a grovelling apology, but I doubt it. We will see.

Other than that…incident, things haven’t been too bad. Had a very exciting ham sandwich for lunch (I put salad in it…oooh), and there is a Thai style curry with rice for my tea. It can be done either in the oven or the microwave, so obviously I’ll be putting in the microwave because I’m lazy…uh, energy-efficient. But you’ll be glad to hear I’m good on the food front.

As for entertainment, I’m settled in that department too. As well as my Xbox, I’ve been enjoying the football today, which, after a two-week international break, is back. I’m onto the second game now, and with Chelsea playing later, I’m still good for another few hours. Very grateful for the football returning…Saturday television sucks.

But the football isn’t the only thing I have to enjoy, oh no. There is Battle: Los Angeles on tonight, which I think I might watch (the game was awful but maybe the film will be decent? Eh, I’ve got low expectations so maybe I’ll like it…expect a review later), and failing that, I have Netflix, or more specifically, The Killing.

If you recall, I talked about starting the crime drama once I finished Orange Is The New Black. It’s taken me a while to get around to it, but after Vanna reminded me about it, I watched the pilot yesterday evening.

How good was it?

Well, my intention was to just watch the pilot, and go to bed early (ie, before midnight) as I needed to be up in the morning to feed Splat (not that I needed to, the fussy devil). Of course it didn’t work that way, as four episodes and three hours later, I was still awake. I think I finally turned off around…uh, 2am…when I finally decided it was time for me to go to bed. Ahem. What can I say? I’m hooked.

Anyway, once I’ve finished the season I’ll do a full review of The Killing (or at least the first part; there’s three seasons in total on Netflix) for you guys. Considering I watched another two episodes this morning, I don’t think you’ll be waiting much longer, however. At this rate, I’ll be done by tomorrow! Like I said…I’m addicted.

And on that note, I suppose I’ll wrap this up. I Just thought I’d let you know that I’m managing okay on my own. In fact, I’m getting rather peckish, and because I’m alone, I can’t just wait for it to be made for me. I’ll have to actually get up, and do it myself (and I’ve just learned the rice has to be done separately…humph! more effort!)

*sigh* This living alone lark isn’t all that, is it?

Speak to you later (providing I haven’t poisoned myself),

Alex

Football, Football, Football And More Football

Big, big, big day tomorrow. If you haven’t already guessed why, this weekend’s significance does have something to do with football! Who’d have thought it? More specifically, the new season of the English Premier League (England’s top football league, and one of the best in the world) starts this Saturday and Sunday, and I cannot wait (only 24 hours to go!).

Sure, it has only been a few months since last season finished (May, but even then, it didn’t really finish; I’ve watched pre-season friendly matches since June…), but I’ve missed it terribly. This probably sounds odd to those of you who aren’t interested in football, or sport generally (I know Vanna doesn’t get it…but she will), but that’s the way us football fans are. I love all of it, and not just our team. Following how the season pans out, with those fighting for the title, those fighting to avoid relegation, and all those teams in between…it’s all part of the fun. To the uninitiated, it may just look like I’m watching 22 men kick a small ball around a large grassy pitch for 90 minutes, but it is much more than that. I can’t explain why I love it so much, but I do. It’s just wonderful. And more importantly, it’s back!

Of course, a lot of my excitement is to do with the club I support (which, regular readers, should know is Chelsea) and their chances of winning some trophies (5 up for grabs!) this year. We’ve signed some talented players, and I’m confident we can do well. I think it’ll be successful season, but I’m not going to bet on anything just yet. See how Sunday (when Chelsea play) goes first.

In case you cared, this is my plan for the weekend. As you’d expect, football is definitely the word of the day(s).

Saturday:

Watch Stoke v Liverpool online: Do I like either of these teams? Nope, but it’s the first game of the season and I’m going to watch it!

Listen to the 3pm coverage: The games that aren’t on television are still covered on television by Soccer Saturday, which keeps viewers up to date on the several hundred matches that are playing (all the English and Scottish leagues, plus a few more). I’ll listen to this, probably while watching Sunderland v Fulham on my computer.

Watch Swansea v Man Utd: The late afternoon kick off, and another one I intend to watch.

Sunday:

Watch Crystal Palace v Tottenham: The first game on Sunday. Not one I’m too concerned about, but it’ll get me warmed up for…

Watch Chelsea v Hull: The most important game of the weekend (at least for me it is). Ahhh, already excited!

Monday:

Watch Man City v Newcastle: Ha, you thought it was all over? Not quite. There is this game on Monday, and then Chelsea play once again on Wednesday. Did I mention it was non-stop?

 

How does that plan sound? (don’t answer, the question is rhetorical). Pretty good, eh? (again, rhetorical; I’m going to assume you agreed). Football is back!

Yeah!

 

…So, uh, if you don’t hear much from me in the next few days…you’ll know why.

Have a great weekend everybody (even if you aren’t watching football…)!

Alex

I’m Just So Busy…

Well after last night’s dinner (we had salmon, salad, homemade bread and maple syrup pie; not at the same time, of course, though it still would have been delicious) at Becky’s, Vanna and I thought we were done with our plans for this week.  But no, because this is just the beginning…

First of all, there is football on today that I must watch (yes, must) as Chelsea are playing. Big game and all that. They are on television Saturday too, but to watch it I’ll have to get up at 7.30 in the morning. I know. They are testing my faith with these kind of tasks.

In some ways though, I’m sad the season is almost over (by the end of this month I’ll have no football to watch) because I can actually watch more games here than I can at home. And, because of the time difference, they are on at a more suitable time. At least that is something I don’t have to worry about when I move over here permanently, I suppose. Nope, I can take that off the list. Now it is just British food, television and weather (when I’ve endured a Minnesota winter – ie the 8 months around May, June, July August – the fairly moderate weather at home will be what I’ll long for most) that I’ll miss (family? Oh yeah, them too).

After the game is over (hopefully we’ll have won, otherwise I’ll be less than impressed), and Vanna has finished work, we are heading out to Walmart to buy some new shoes. Vanna just wants a cheap pair for this summer for herself, but I’m after some Pumas (preferably blue) to replace my…my binned ones. Sorry, it’s still tough for me.

Ahem. We’ll see how that goes. I think there are a few other things we’re going to buy (Vanna gets paid today…woo!) but eh, I have no idea. Pfft. Shopping right? women, eh? (is just saying the words good enough to act as a joke?)

Then, if that wasn’t enough, Sharissa is coming to stay for the night! She’s just finished college and as neither of us have seen her for a while (8 months for me) so we’re going to hang for a day or so before she has to start work. That should be pretty cool. No idea what we’re going to do but it’ll be good nonetheless.

Finally we have Thursday. When Vanna goes to work, providing the weather is nice (looking gloomy today; storms ahead…), Sharissa and I will probably go for a bike ride (if we can collect Vanna’s bike from her work, that is…yeah, forgot about that. Hmm).

And, if that wasn’t enough (I like to exaggerate through repetition), we’re going to see Iron Man 3 tomorrow night too! I haven’t seen the second one yet (I think that’s what we are buying tonight) but still, quite excited for that. Iron Man is no Spiderman, but I like him all the same.

Speaking of new films that I’m excited about (this one I’m super, super, super excited about), the teaser trailer for The World’s End was announced today. I’ve watched it twice already and I think it looks awesome. I loved Shaun Of The Dead, and I loved Hot Fuzz even more. The World’s End is the final part of the Ice Cream trilogy and I can’t wait for it.

Here’s the video. You’re welcome.

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Right, I best go. The cat has kindly done another disappearing act and it’s my responsibility to find her. *sigh* Wish me luck.

 

 

Meal At The Ramside

No, I didn’t get my hair cut. Once again, the effort required to get up Saturday morning was beyond me. I will get it cut though. Somehow, sometime.

Despite this hiccup, I’ve had a great day today. Chelsea won comfortably to progress in the cup, and after that I have a lovely two course twenty-first birthday celebration meal at Ramside Hall.  I’ve been to Ramside several times before but never in the restaurant, so it was a really nice treat to go there today. Unfortunately, I was somewhat under-dressed for the occasion; my jeans and trainers didn’t seem to be entirely appropriate when compared to the clothes everybody else was wearing. In my defence I hadn’t realised we were going there, otherwise I would have made more of an effort. Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable experience, and could have only been improved if Vanna had been with me. And, because I brought my camera, I have pictures!

So, here is Ramside Hall. Very fancy, right?

Car shot!

Only fancy places have mirrors that size

At this point, I was starting to get embarrassed so I quickly took a picture of the menu, and sat down.

So what did we have?

For the starter, my dad and I went for the cream of carrot and coriander soup, while Sue opted for the Mushroom Risotto. I didn’t take any pictures of our meals because, well, I would feel uncomfortable and rude to try; so you’ll have to take my word on how beautifully presented the meals were. My soup, for example, came in a little cauldron type bowl. We got a surprisingly large portion of it, and it was delicious. Sue was rather keen on her risotto too, though her plate was more representative of top restaurants, i.e  it was rather light when it came to quantity.

As for the main, all three of us went for something different. My dad went for the Roast Beef and vegetables, Sue chose the Monkfish and I decided to try the chorizo and penne pasta. My only complaint was the softness of the pasta made it rather tricky to eat. Other than that, it was perfectly fine. To be honest, I was still full from the soup, so I couldn’t really enjoy it as much as I would have liked to. Sue and my dad enjoyed their meals though, so all in all the Ramside didn’t disappoint.

What else?

Well, we shared a bottle of Koop Kloof (Or something like that. And yeah, I was amused too) white wine. Despite not being an avid wine drinker, I was able to drink two glasses of that easily. The French sommelier who recommended it to us was rather boastful about it, and, as the empty bottle can attest to, I can’t really disagree with his comments. I had no idea what he was saying mind, but I agree with it. Very nice.

And that was that. A few more pictures before it was time to go home.

Ugh. 6pm already. How depressing. The weekend is almost over, and Monday is only a few hours away. Again, how depressing.

Speak to you all later,

Alex

Blue Sunday (In A Good Way)

I have nothing to complain about today. Absolutely nothing.

What?

No, I’m not dying. And no, I didn’t win the lottery. I’m just in a good mood. I know, but it’s true. I’m happy!

Why?

Chelsea (the football team I support) won an important game today, and played magnificently. The 8 – 0 scoreline (hint for you non football fans:  games don’t usually finish with that many goals) reflects the performance quite accurately as we were indeed fantastic all over the pitch. I’ll not waffle on too much about the match but yeah…I’m happy. It hasn’t happened often in the past few months, but Chelsea have made my day. Well done lads!

So today I’m not going to whine about the latest thing that has irritated me (my bed/sleeping patterns perhaps?), or bemoan my terrible wrapping skills (using lots of sellotape is the only thing I can do); instead I’m just going to bask in the glory of my team’s victory. I’m savoring it, you see, because I’m in no doubt that we’ll mess up again soon and this lovely nice feeling will be forgotten.

In addition to this, I’ve also been enjoying Halo 4 this morning. My dad bought it for me as an early Christmas present (I was consulted about it, so no point in waiting was there?) but I decided to play the original Halo and Halo 3 first (the second one is on the old Xbox and I’m not willing to bring out the breeze block from the garage) to remind me of the story before I started the fourth. I wasn’t sure whether I’d like it or not as my love of Halo has faded in recent years (Mass Effect and Gears of War replaced it) but so far it’s been pretty damn good. True, I’ve only finished the first mission but still…I’m impressed.

What else?

Well, in case you didn’t know (if you’ve been hiding in a cave or just woken up out of a coma), it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, and we’re buying alcohol! I plan to write a long list of drinks so I can blitz through the next few weeks somewhat inebriated, which I’m hoping will make the holidays go by faster (time flies when you’re pissed!). With family meetings planned this week, I feel getting drunk is a good idea (I jest, I jest) but I’m under the impression it won’t be well received by, well, my family. It’ll probably be frowned upon, I think. Apparently you shouldn’t go around visiting relatives under the influence of alcohol. It gives off the wrong impression. Bah! Nobody will notice.

Actually they probably will. I’ll be happy. Which is unusual for me.

Hmm. I’ll work on it.

Anyway, merry Christmas Eve…Eve everybody!

Is that right? Ahh, I don’t care, My team scored eight goals today! Haha!

My word, what an appalling standard of blogging today. Let’s just say I’m drunk, okay? Okay.

I Hate Sundays (But Not Sundaes: They’re Just Lovely)

Sundays never really agree with me; there is a stigma about Sunday that means I never seem to have a good day regardless of what I do. If it’s the seventh day of the week, I’m going to be in a foul mood at some point. Sure, I might get stuff done and have a productive day but still I can’t help but feel somewhat negative. The obvious response would be that Sunday is the second half of the weekend; a subtle reminder that your short break is almost over and you’ll be back to work tomorrow. Even if you start the day positively, you are going to find yourself cursing as the clock nears six o’clock and you realize that Monday is awaiting. It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it?

The problem I have is that I’m not even working any more (well, for the time being), so I’m not quite sure what my problem is. In fact, I actually have plans tomorrow to visit one of my friends in Newcastle, which is hardly something I’m dreading to do (I offer the best compliments: ‘I’m not filled with trepidation at the thought of spending time with you! Woo!‘). There is no reason to not like this particularly Sunday, but I still find myself grumbling through the day.

It could be down to Chelsea’s awful performance in the Club World Cup. I try to refrain from talking about football here in the main, as a) it probably won’t interest a lot of you and b) I’ll only talk about football if I can brag, and recently there hasn’t been much to brag about. Therefore I keep quiet. But I got up early to watch Chelsea play in Japan, only to be rewarded with a dire performance that immediately started my day on a bad point. If they’d won, this Sunday might have broken the trend of miserable Sundays. It’s a lot easier to get out of bed when you’re bathing in the triumph of winning a trophy nobody is interested in. There could have been singing and dancing, celebrations galore.

Well there probably wouldn’t have been because, like I said, it wasn’t a game that really mattered. I’d have been happy, sure, but I wouldn’t be bragging about it. I save that for much bigger victories, such as the Champions League. Bearing the relative insignificance of the match, I can then hardly contribute this defeat to today’s generally negative outlook. It hasn’t helped but there must be more to it than that.

And it’s not like I’ve done nothing since then. I’ve sorted out my room, I’ve done my washing, I’ve made space by putting stuff in the attic and I’ve found a few things that had gone missing when we moved. Planned out the train times for tomorrow too. All in all, I’ve been rather productive this afternoon. And yet I can’t help but feel ‘meh’.

It must just be a Sunday feeling that is permanently stuck with me, no matter what I do. Even if I write 4000 words this evening, finish my book and find a ten pound note stuck to my window (the wind blew it there) I’ll probably still shrug my shoulders and act laissez-faire (I’d use the accents but I haven’t quite worked out how to) about it all.

Hold on a minute. I have a big bowl of jelly in the fridge! I made it last night and completely forgot about it!

Ignore everything I’ve just said. I was wrong. Sundays. Are. Awesome.

My Dad The (Fictional) Football Manager

My father is a Manchester United fan (that’s a football/”soccer” team American readers) and for his 50th birthday I wrote a little story with him as the lead. I read it again and couldn’t help but chuckle, so I thought I would share it on the blog. It was either this or complain about the things that have annoyed me today (that horrible plastic they wrap electricals in, the savage carpet gripper strips I’ve had to pull up this week and the new wordpress format which I find very inconvenient) but I didn’t think you deserved that after yesterday’s moaning.

So after making a few changes (the players mentioned in the original, for example, are no longer with the club- ha, you’re old dad).  I uploaded this instead.

Also, for those of you who aren’t interested in football and/or are American, I’ve added footnotes to help ease the confusion you might find yourselves in (it’s still going to happen but I’ve tried my best) because I’m nice like that. Feel free to reward me with cash.

Have a great Friday everyone!

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I entered the changing rooms, the smell of victory strong in my nostrils. If victory smelt of burly footballers, hot and sweaty from a ninety minute contest of determination, passion and skill, otherwise known as a football match. It would also smell of victory if they had actually won. But they lost. 3-0 to Chelsea (Ed: I had to add in my team obviously) at Old Trafford*.

I watched as the players reached for their pre-warmed towels and sat on the heated benches, dejected at the way in which they had been defeated. The manner could only be described as ‘badly’, and frankly that is putting it nicely. Five bookings and one sending off. And that was just the first half.

People wondered what would happen when Ferguson* finally decided that golfing would be his preferred hobby and retired from management. At the age of…well he was old put it that way…he finally left last week after much discussion over his retirement, mainly between him and his golfing partner about how he could improve his handicap.  This was Manchester United’s first match without him.

They looked a mess. They looked lost. They looked…just plain awful. Of course, what they need is a charismatic, brilliant, intelligent tactician  who could step up to the mantle, replace Ferguson, command the respect and love of the team and take them to glory in all tournaments.

But because Jose Mourinho* wasn’t leaving Real Madrid, they had to settle for me. Anthony Best, new Manchester United manager.

When I was approached by the chairman, I was thoroughly surprised. Especially as I was driving on the motorway* at the time. After a good discussion over a drink (I know, 10am and I’m drinking apple juice), he explained he had heard about my great triumphs and declared that I was the right man for the job. Turns out they needed a new finance officer* and I was the man they had chosen! I was obviously ecstatic. Some of the greatest finance officers in history had been at Man Utd, such as Tim Woodburn, Julian Wright and who could forget David Yates*?

But as we chatted I discussed my hobbies. And of course Championship Manager* and FIFA 12* came up, with me explaining my many trophies in Germany (Won the Bundesliga with three different teams) and how I managed to get Andy Carroll to score ten goals in FIFA. This intrigued him very much so; ‘’Even Andy Carroll couldn’t score ten goals as Andy Carroll in FIFA’ he said. Harsh, but sadly true. He only managed five (and one was deflected).

After I’d mentioned this, I could tell he was interested in me becoming the new manager. You know how I knew this? He said ‘’I’m interested in you becoming the new manager of Manchester United’’.

Cut forward four days and here I was, standing in the changing rooms of the home team, waiting to address the players for the first time.

I tried to look impassive at them, not revealing how I felt (bit hungry as it happens, I skipped lunch). This was important; you have to look at them in the eye and show you are the MAN.

‘’Are you alright gaffa? You look a bit constipated’’ Giggsy asked, approaching me. Success! He called me gaffa!

‘’I’m fine, but you certainly didn’t look it out there. You couldn’t pass two yards and the few shots you had were so off target De Gea had to save them.’’ I was in my element now. I strolled around the changing room, looking at everyone, especially Ferdinand. I wanted to make it clear by my expression he was the worst on the pitch, but the drool coming from his mouth suggested he’d fallen asleep standing up again. He did the same thing on the pitch, but sadly it was only after he woke up that we conceded.

Feeling their attention on me, I tried to rack my brain for some more phrases off Championship Manager. Your mother wouldn’t put it in the scrapbook...no that was for a draw…never mind. We’d have done better playing the kids! Yeah, that’ll do.

“You were so bad we would have done better if we’d played the kids!”

“We did play the kids, we were playing Chelsea Youth!” Gigg’s protested.

“I meant our kids but no excuses! You didn’t keep it tight at the back. You didn’t keep it tight in midfield. You didn’t keep it tight up front and you didn’t keep it tight when they had the ball”

I look around the room, seeing looks of disappointment round the room. My key phrase; ‘keep it tight’ had worked its magic. Time to hammer the point home with one powerful statement, and then quickly leave, allowing them to consider my words.

“You were rubbish!”

I quickly turned on my heel, storming out of the changing rooms, my coat billowing out behind me. I think I made a good first impression there. Oh, what is that? I glanced down for a second, seeing something white on the sole of my shoe. A piece of toilet roll. It must have stuck to my shoe when I walked around the changing rooms.

“Oh f…”

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*Old Trafford is Manchester Utd’s stadium.

*Sir Alex Ferguson, Man Utd’s current manager and one of the most successful managers in the world.

*Jose Mourinho, a very talented coach who led Chelsea to their first (and second) Premier League trophy.

*My dad is a finance officer.

*Those names are fictional finance officers…it was a joke but if you’re reading this I’ve essentially ruined it so, uh, never mind.

*Championship Manager is a computer game where you manage a team.

*FIFA 12 is another computer game but this time you play as the football team instead of watching from the sidelines.